At last a presenter who isn’t Jayne Middlemiss nor Jamie Theakston! Yes, we have a new presenter who is Gail Porter, someone who has had quite the life and career full of the highest highs and the lowest lows. Gail’s early CV entries included stints on various children’s TV shows before getting her big break on TOTP. She was also a model for magazines such as FHM and it was that part of her life which would result in one of the most infamous news stories and visual memories of the decade. Although it would raise her profile into the stratosphere, it would ultimately cause Porter far more harm than good. A couple of months after her TOTP debut, Gail would awake one morning in May 1999 to find her names in headlines though it wasn’t her head that the story concerned. A nude 60ft tall photograph of Porter was projected onto the Houses of Parliament organised by FHM magazine as part of a marketing campaign to promote their ‘100 sexiest women in the world’ poll. Gail had no idea what had been planned but received a backlash anyway as the perception that she was in on the stunt as a career move was propagated. The incident would lead to Gail not feeling able to leave the house and contribute to bouts of depression. She suffered from anorexia nervosa and was hospitalised before, in 2005, developing alopecia totalis which led to her losing all of her hair. Choosing to deal with her condition literally head on, she declined to wear hats or wigs and used her profile to become ambassador for the Little Princess Trust, a charity which provides wigs to children with hair loss. As if that wasn’t enough to deal with, her marriage (to Toploader guitarist Dan Hipgrave) broke down and she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and sectioned against her will for 17 days in 2011. In a painfully honest and insightful 2024 documentary called Being Gail Porter, she discussed her two decades of mental health struggles. Knowing all of the above, it’s hard to recall her as this fresh faced, young presenter. Let’s see how she did…

Well, Gail’s first line is about it being her first time and a request to please be gentle with her, a bit of sexual innuendo which feels unnecessary but possibly didn’t raise an eyebrow in the era of ‘lad culture’. We then move straight to our first performance which is…oh this is just getting silly now…a hit that was only just on last week’s show and was now coming down the charts. I know this was nothing new in the Chris Cowey era and that I’ve banged on loads about the practice of repeat showings of songs that were descending the Top 10 but this one has really pissed me off for some reason. Actually, not this one but FOUR songs that were on just seven days ago which are all back on the show. Wait a minute though, am I being unfair here? Having checked out that week’s chart on official charts.com, there’s not one song going up the charts! The whole Top 40 consists of either new entries or songs going down. What was the hell was this?! I guess it was another consequence of first week record company discounting as sales in the second week fell dramatically as the price of a single went up. OK, so were there any new entries that could have featured on the show instead of songs declining in popularity? Well yes, there were three entries inside the Top 10 which were never featured including hits from two of the biggest names in music – Madonna and George Michael! OK, they might not have been available for an in the studio appearance but were there no videos made to promote their singles? Well yes, there were – at least they are easily found on YouTube so was this Cowey’s stupid ‘no promos’ policy at work again?

For the record the first act in this TOTP is Cher with “Strong Enough” which is down from No 5 to No 8 in the charts. I’ve nothing else to say about this one other than that Cher was in the news this week for fluffing her lines at the Grammys when presenting Kendrick Lamar and SZA with an award though in her defence it didn’t seem to be all her own fault…

Gail Porter warns us that this next act’s last single stayed on the charts for three months hinting that the follow up may do the same. Did we heed Gail’s warning? No we did not as Vengaboys spent five weeks inside the Top 10 and two and a half months on the Top 40 with “We Like To Party! (The Vengabus)”. You know, the 90s have provided some awful years of music but I think 1999 might just prove to be the worst and this lot will have been one of the biggest contributing factors as to why. Using those exact same tinny, buzzing and downright annoying backing beats as featured on their first hit “Up & Down”, this was music in its most basic form. No, it wasn’t music, this was anti-music or some sort of tribal chant led opium for the masses causing the general public to lose its collective mind and taste to rush to their local record emporium to buy this colossal shit. “Pushing the boundaries of pop” says Gail by which I don’t think she meant carving out a new art form but shrinking the definition of what could reasonably be described as such. Just horrendous but worse was to come in the shape of two No 1 hits during the year for these absolute dolts. The Vengabus was indeed coming…for us all.

Now in previous posts I’ve stated how I should really explore Skunk Anansie’s back catalogue more based on some of their hits I wasn’t familiar with. However, this next one – “Charlie Big Potato” – has dulled my commitment to that endeavour as it’s far too heavy for my liking. I mean, it sounds like Metallica or someone. And it’s dark as well as heavy. The opening lyrics are “I awake from blood thick dreams” followed a bit later by “I awake, dry the scream, spit the vile breath, till my tongue bleeds”. Bloody hell! Skin’s almost demonic performance here certainly doesn’t add any levity to the whole experience with her seemingly on the verge of kicking out at the studio audience and her weird stage outfit of what seems to be a PVC jacket with dangling, massively oversized pieces of material (I’m not sure they count as sleeves) hanging from her arms. Are they meant to be wings? Is she meant to resemble a bat? The whole thing comes across as far too much for a mainstream pop music show and the aforementioned audience don’t seem to know how to react to what they are witnessing initially before adopting an ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em’ approach and just going mental in the really loud bits. The floor managers seem to have run with the element of danger to the whole performance with police tape barriers skirting the stage. “Charlie Big Potato” was a big hit in Iceland which makes sense as the craziness of it puts me in mind of Björk. It was also used in the soundtrack to the deeply disturbing and unpleasant movie Hollow Man starring Kevin Bacon which again makes sense.

Another song going down the charts from No 3 to No 5 is next – “It’s Not Right But It’s OK” by Whitney Houston. This is the third time in a row this performance has been on the show. Week one was an ‘exclusive’ performance before the single was released, week two reflected its debut at No 3 and week three is it descending the charts albeit still remaining in the Top 5. Are all three appearances justified? I can make a case for the first two but surely the third is overkill? Whatever your own opinion on the matter, the upshot is that I have nothing else to say about this one. As a blogger, it’s not right…but it’s OK.

We arrive at the valedictory performance for a band who had eighteen Top 40 hits including a Christmas No 1 and of which only six failed to make the Top 10. A group who courted controversy and were allocated the role of the perceived rivals to the UK’s premier boy band of the 90s. A group who looked to have lost everything but who shortened their name and made one last (partially) successful grab for chart victory. It is, of course, East 17…erm…E-17!

Having achieved a No 2 hit against the odds as a Tony Mortimer-less trio with their past single “Each Time”, Brian, Terry and John (thanks for the name checks Gail!) followed it with “Betcha Can’t Wait” which was more of a deliberate R&B sound which they’d plotted without their former chief songwriter. However, whilst I’d unexpectedly appreciated “Each Time”, this one was pure parody. All the same soul stylings were there but the lyrics were laughable. Witness:

“I’m gonna touch you in the right spot baby….Betcha can’t wait, betcha can’t stop…Can’t stop thinking ’bout my love rock, baby come on”

Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Brian Lee Harvey / Terence Mark Coldwell / John Darren Hendy / Mark Reid / Jonathon Lesley Beckford / Ivor Paul Reid
Betcha Can’t Wait lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Ltd., Strongsongs Ltd.

“Touch you in the right spot”?! “My love rock”?! This performance is almost like a Fast Show sketch but instead of ‘Jazz Club’ or ‘Indie Club’ they’d turned their attention to R&B and given us ‘Bump ‘n’ Grind Club’. And check out the other two’s (forgotten their names already – where’s Gail when you need her?) ridiculous dance moves! Like I said pure parody. Compare this nonsense to such gems as “Deep” and “It’s Alright”. There is no comparison. What a said way to bow out for the lads who were straight outta Walthamstow.

Two more hits now which were also on only last week starting with “Just Looking” by Stereophonics. As with Whitney earlier, I haven’t got much else to say about this one except to note that their bass player was recreating a look first popularised on the show by Sandie Shaw and her barefooted performances. However, if you’re wanting a band to band comparison, check out Duran Duran’s guitarist Andy Taylor in this clip of them playing “Hungry Like The Wolf”. What happened to his shoes? I don’t know but if you watch him closely, he does seem to be rather out of it like he was in another world. Planet earth to Andy…Is there something I should know?

Also just like Whitney Houston, this is the third time for Blur on the show with “Tender”. Come on Cowey, what do you think I’ve still got left to say about this one?! OK, how about a shout out to the London Community Gospel Choir who also featured on this track. Founded in 1982, look at this list of artists with whom the have either performed or recorded:

• George Michael and Liza Minnelli at The Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert
• Madonna at Live 8 in Hyde Park
• Eric Clapton in Hyde Park
• Kylie Minogue in Hyde Park
• Blur (again) at the 2012 BRITS
• The 1975 at the 2017 and 2019 BRITS
• Pink! at the 2019 BRITS
• They recorded a version of the OutKast hit “Hey Ya!” with Razorlight (the B-side to their single “Vice”)
• They recorded with Will Young on his debut album “From Now On”
• They provided backing vocals on Erasure’s  self-titled 1995 album
• They featured on Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds 2005 double album “Abattoir Blues/The Lyre Of Orpheus”
• They also performed on the songs “Don’t Get Lost in Heaven” and “Demon Days” on the Gorillaz’ “Demon Days” album
• They have also recorded with
  Paul McCartney, Elton John, Westlife, Elkie Brooks and Tori Amos amongst others

Blimey! Or should I say Hallelujah!

So the halting of the run of one week wonder No 1s didn’t last long did it? Britney Spears has been toppled after just fourteen days at the top of the charts by the 1999 Comic Relief single recorded that year by Boyzone. For the third time in a row we got a pretty straight run through of a song that wasn’t written with the intention of being funny nor that had extra comedic lines thrown into the mix by the performers over a well known hit. To break that down further, ever since its inception in 1986, the established choice was either a cover version played for laughs:

• Cliff Richard and The Young Ones – “Living Doll”
• Mel & Kim (Mel Smith & Kim Wilde) -“Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”
• Bananarama & Lananeeneenoonoo – “Help!”
• Mr. Bean & Smear Campaign feat. Bruce Dickinson – “(I Want to Be) Elected”

Or an original song written to be intentionally funny (I’m not sure the writers always succeeded):

• Hale & Pace – “The Stonk”
• Right Said Fred – “Stick It Out”
• Pet Shop Boys – “Absolutely Fabulous”

Then came “Love Can Build A Bridge” by Cher, Neneh Cherry, Chrissie Hynde and Eric Clapton in 1995 which was a cover of an original song by country music duo The Judds. Two years later, no song was specifically written nor covered for the campaign but the Spice Girls agreed that all royalties for their double A-side single “Mama / “Who Do You Think You Are” would go to the charity. And then there was Boyzone who did a faithful version of Billy Ocean’s 1986 No 1 “When the Going Gets Tough” which I didn’t particularly like first time round so Ronan and the lads take on it was never going to win me over, charity record or not. Watching this back, I’m struck again by how little the guys who weren’t either Keating nor Stephen Gately actually did. In this one, they’re tasked with a bit of finger clicking and some shadow boxing to match the staging theme for the performance and that’s about it. That staging with the boxing backing dancers gives the whole thing a very 80s feel. I’m thinking of this perhaps..

P.S. A few people on line noted an unlikely link between “When the Going Gets Tough” and “We Like To Party! (The Vengabus)” by Vengaboys. Give up? They both have near identical opening lines – “I got something to tell you” in the former and “I’ve got something to tell ya” in the latter. Then in the third line they both share a similar theme – Ronan Keating sings “I’m gonna put this dream in motion” whilst whoever the Vengaboys ‘vocalist’ is gives us the line “Gonna put some wheels in motion”. Note to arresting officer – add plagiarism to the Vengaboys charge sheet for crimes against music.

As for Gail Porter, she did pretty well I think. All power to you Gail, a quite remarkable person. We’ll see plenty more of her (ahem) in future 1999 TOTP repeats.

Order of appearance	Artist	Tilte	Did I buy it?
1	Cher	Stong Enough	Nah
2	Vengaboys	We Like To Party! (The Vengabus)	Never
3	Skunk Anansie	Charlie Big Potato	No
4	Whitney Houston	It’s Not Right But It’s OK	I did not
5	E-17	Betcha Can’t Wait	Nope
6	Stereophonics	Just Looking	No but I had the album
7	Blur	Tender	See 6 above
8	Boyzone	When the Going Gets Tough	Not even for charity

Disclaimer

I make no claim to the rights of this show and all ownership and contents including logos and graphics belongs totally to the BBC or copyright holder(s).

All opinions on the music and artists featured are my own. Sorry if you don’t agree.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m002qlxz/top-of-the-pops-12031999