TOTP 21 SEP 1995
What Edward Woodward said! A reader of the blog tipped me off that this TOTP show was near and that I should be scared. I am and so should you be. Nothing to do with the music (though nearly all of it is frightening enough itself). No, the reason for my terror is that this is the Simon Mayo rhyming links episode! I’ve said many times when reviewing these TOTP repeats how I can’t abide the smug git and this week he seems to be deliberately trying to tip me over the edge. I don’t think we’ve seen him for a while as there have been a number of ‘golden mic’ presenters of late but now he was back and more annoying than ever. Before Mayo gets started on his inane practice of rhyming segues, we get the direct to camera piece at the top of the show which this week comes from Iron Maiden who are introducing their new lead singer Blaze Bayley after original vocalist Bruce Dickinson left in 1993.
More of them later though. We start, unfortunately, with Mayo who is to be known for tonight as ‘Rhymin’ Simon’ according to the TOTP caption. OK, well first of all, that doesn’t rhyme properly does it?! I think what I’ll do is give marks for each of his rhymes at the end of each act. That OK with you? Good.
Ah there’s lovely. It’s those two smashing, wholesome guys The Outhere Brothers! Veritable pillars of society that pair. Only kidding – the dirty mouthed duo more like. After, two consecutive UK No 1s (how?!!), the purveyors of filth are back with a third hit in “La La La Hey Hey”. It’s as insubstantial as its title hints at. Yet another call and response track, this one resorts to the lowest common denominator with its ‘lyrics’. They might have well have just grunted.
As with their previous hits, the version performed here appears to be the radio edit with any offending words removed. The full track includes a rap which bangs on about keeping “the pressure on the pecker”, “slapping her with a 1-2 checker” and of course a fairly gratuitous “mother f****r”. Just for good measure they slip in the line “Honeys shake ya booty all around”. I say once again, there’s lovely. “La La La Hey Hey” failed to make it a hat trick of chart toppers when it peaked at No 7. One more thing, why have they got the cast of Fame on stage with them?
Mayo’s Meter: “Hello, good evening, better lock up your mothers cos we’re kicking off with The Outhere Brothers
Verdict: Surely the phrase is ‘lock up your daughters’? Poor – 5/10
Right what’s this? Well, it’s another dance tune of course. I intentionally asked “what’s this?” rather than “who’s this?” as the name of the artist for such 90s hits wasn’t really relevant a lot of the time. The ‘artist’ was usually a producer, remixer or DJ who just needed a pseudonym to use for promotional purposes. That was the case with Umboza who were actually house duo Stuart Crichton and Michael Kilkie. Based entirely around the hook from Lionel Richie’s “All Night Long”, it’s basically that sample with a house beat added over the top. That’s it. The paucity of the track and the lack of a proper artist was always a problem for TOTP when it came to a performance on the show which was warranted by its chart position. Here, it’s just four dancers who could be anybody. There aren’t even the anonymous DJ types in the background on a keyboard, there’s just some bloke on a congo drum. There also seem to be some peripheral dancers to the side of the stage one of whom looks suspiciously like a pre-fame Claire from Steps. I can’t work out if these people are part of the act or the studio audience. The only thing that separates this from being a performance by Pan’s People or Legs & Co from the 70s and 80s is when one of the dancers emerges from the throng with a microphone to mumble something or other.
The track is called “Cry India” which is initially confusing given the African sounding Lionel Richie sample its based around. However, those ‘African’ lyrics below were just made up gibberish according to Lionel so they could be as much Indian as African.
Tam bo li de say de moi ya
Hey Jambo Jumbo
Songwriters: Lionel B. Jr. Richie
All Night Long (All Night) lyrics © Chyna Baby Music, Brockman Music, Yfn Lucci Llc, Tig7 Publishing Llc
“Cry India” was a No 19 hit and was followed by “Sunshine” which was based on “Bamboléo” by Gipsy Kings. Bah! Umboza? I’d rather have Umbongo!
Mayo’s Meter: “I’ll be rhyming my links for the rest of the show, there’s Pulp and Iron Maiden raring to go. There’s Mariah and Janet and Vince the composer but new at 19, all dancing Umboza!”
Verdict: He manages to give some teasers for who’s on the show tonight but ‘Vince the composer’?! He means Vince Clarke from Erasure – he does realise they’re a duo doesn’t he? Where’s Andy Bell in that link? And a composer? Songwriter surely is a better description? Very weak – 4/10
The first video of the night is one we’ve already seen before. “Runaway” by Janet Jackson was one of two songs recorded to promote her Best Of album “Design Of A Decade: 1986-1996”. Interestingly, although she’d left her original label A&M in 1991 and signed for Virgin releasing the multi million selling “Janet” with them, she was open to working with her former label to take her first compilation album to market. So reciprocal was the relationship that “Design Of A Decade” included two of the singles from that Virgin album.
“Runaway” though was a new track which had originally been identified as a potential duet with brother Michael but in the end the two decided to unite on “Scream” instead which was the lead single from the “HIStory: Past, Present And Future, Book 1” collection. The promo for the song is pure fantasy nonsense with Janet taking a global trip and appearing next to some of the world’s most recognisable landmarks. At one point, she and her entourage perform a choreographed dance routine on the wing of a plane. Perhaps the most striking image from the whole thing though is Janet’s nose ring and chain which is attached to her braided hair. For all the controversy over Michael’s image throughout his career, even he never went for that particular look.
Mayo’s Meter: “There was an old woman called Janet, went hopping all over the planet. Her brother, she didn’t tell, which was just as well, cos if Michael was in the vid, we’d ban it”.
Verdict: Another nonsensical link. An ‘old woman’? Janet was 29 years old when this single was released! Also, what is this about banning the video if Michael was in it? Sure, the first child abuse accusations had been made against the singer by this point but that hadn’t stopped the BBC from showing his videos. Indeed, Jacko had been No 1 for the last two weeks during which the show played his promo. Make it make sense. Either that or get Mayo to stop. Please! 3/10
Had there ever been a worst opening three acts in the TOTP studio than this?! The Outhere Brothers, Umbozo and now Smokie featuring Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown!
Novelty (s)hit “Living Next Door To Alice (Who The F**k Is Alice?)” is now in the Top 10 proving yet again that you just couldn’t trust the record buying public to make sensible decisions. In this case, they even doubled down on its stupidity by not just buying this version of the bastardised song but also the original* of it by Dutch band Gompie. Twice over! Yes, Gompie initially got there first and had a hit in Europe including the UK with “Alice (Who The X Is Alice?) in June of 1995 peaking at No 34 and then, after the success of the Smokie / Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown version, re-entered the chart reaching No 17. Again, I refer you to Edward Woodward.
*Not the ‘original’ original obviously – I know that was the non-sweary version by Smokie which got to No 5 in 1977.
Mayo’s Meter: “From the dark mists of time an old band called Smokie with Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown who’s a bit of a blokie. Now, they’re singing about this woman called Alice, they’re not going down unlike Crystal Palace”
Verdict: Where do I start?! How about with ‘blokie’. Come on! It’s a terrible rhyme and rather underplays Brown’s offensive act. I’m know it was the era of lads culture but still. Then there’s the ‘going down’ comment. Was that Mayo getting away with something he shouldn’t have by deflecting with a football reference? And what about that reference – was it accurate even? Well, it’s true that Pslace were relegated from the Premier League in 1994/95 but this show was in September when the new season had started. Palace finished third in the First division (now Championship) and were promoted. Try again Mayo – 2/10
At last! Some decent music! After finally securing that elusive massive hit in “Common People” earlier in the year, expectations were now ludicrously high for a Pulp follow up. Jarvis and co didn’t disappoint. Indeed, not only did they meet those expectations but exceeded them with not one but two new songs by releasing a double A-side single. “Mis-Shapes / Sorted For E’s & Wizz” was a brilliant precursor for the band’s iconic “Different Class” album which appeared in the shops at the end of October. Now there was always going to be some outrage about one of those songs given its title but I can see from the BBC4 schedule that Pulp are due back on TOTP in a couple of shows time to perform that track so this week I can just talk about “Mis-Shapes”.
A Cocker-declared anthem for the social outcasts, it was written from very personal experience – Jarvis talked openly about fearing a beating from the ‘townies and beer monsters’ to be found in Sheffield city centre on a Saturday night just because they didn’t like his jacket/trousers/haircut. The lyrics are a call to arms for those demonised as weird and made to feel like a misfit with the title a chocolate themed metaphor. And it works. Lyrics that tell a relatable story combined with a stomping chorus that really gallops along…what’s not to like? Well, Jarvis had some objections and has gone a bit cold on the song subsequently – indeed, it wasn’t included on their 2002 “Hits” collection. I’m sure he wasn’t complaining when the single entered the charts at No 2 though, matching the peak of “Common People”.
Mayo’s Meter: “And now it’s the time we’re going to get to an exclusive, about this band, ooh, we get all effusive. They’re gonna make you swallow, they’re gonna make you gulp, would you welcome please…Pulp”
Verdict: Well, ‘exclusive’ and “effusive’ is a decent rhyme and I guess there aren’t too many words that rhyme with Pulp but it’s Mayo so I can only give him so much credit – 5/10
Two hits on the trot now that we’ve seen before starting with “Fantasy” by Mariah Carey. We may have we seen it before but that doesn’t stop the TOTP producers just giving us the same satellite performance clip that we got first time around. As if that wasn’t enough, they try to kid us that this is still some sort of big deal by emblazoning the caption ‘via satellite’ all over it at the start of the song. Come on! We’re not that daft!
Mayo’s Meter: “I wondered lonely as a cloud, I saw a woman all beautiful and hairy; I said ‘Hang on, I know you, you’re that popular Mariah Carey”
Verdict: This is just awful. Who describes a woman with long hair as hairy?! Worse than that though, he brings Wordsworth into his nonsense! 2/10
And so we arrive at that well known synth pop duo ‘Vince the composer’ and the other guy (i.e. Erasure) who are back in the TOTP studio for a second time to perform their single “Stay With Me”. Taken from their eponymously titled seventh album, this was the point when their commercial fortunes started to tail off. Of those previous six studio albums, the last four had all topped the charts as did their first Best Of, 1992’s “Pop! The First 20 Hits”. “Erasure” (the album) would peak at No 14 with neither of the singles released from it making the Top 10. Maybe Andy and Vince had had enough of churning out the hits and wanted to experiment with their sound a bit. Certainly that’s what the press reviews seemed to make of the album – experimental and contemplative. Apart from the opening intro, all of the tracks were over five and a half minutes in length – the longest clicked in at a towering 10:01! Three minute pop songs? Pah! The album version of “Stay With Me” is nearly seven minutes long but clearly we get the shortened single edit here. Truncated or not, it’s still a decent song.
Mayo’s Meter: “Now a former exclusive as I’m sure that you know, a band who are lauded wherever they go. In Europe, America and of course Asia, err…get your rubbers out and welcome Erasure!”
Verdict: Woeful. Who welcomes anybody with a rubber (yes I get the pun!) unless you are a rubber/eraser salesman attending an industry conference and you are greeted with a welcome pack of them. Maybe. Of course, when I was at school, a ‘rubber’ was short for something else which I’m sure Vince and Andy wouldn’t have wanted to be welcomed by! 3/10
Here’s the band that did the to camera piece at the top of the show. Iron Maiden hadn’t released any new material since 1992’s “Fear Of The Dark” album and in the intervening years had lost their lead singer Bruce Dickinson who left in 1993 to pursue a solo career. After a lengthy audition process, Blaze Bayley was recruited from fellow heavy metallers Wolfsbane – Bayley co-wrote this single “Man On The Edge”. Inspired by the excellent Michael Douglas film Falling Down, it sounds like standard Iron Maiden fare to my admittedly non-fan ears despite the presence of the newbie. Is it just me or does he look a bit like comedian Ross Noble with that long hair and sideburns? Bayley would stay with the band until 1999 at which point Dickinson rejoined.
Mayo’s Meter: “Now this lot haven’t been on since the year ‘81, they’re good heavy rockers, just here to have fun. They’re called Iron Maiden with new man Blaze Bayley, so why not annoy the neighbours and play it twice daily”
Verdict: Is that factually accurate? Iron Maiden hadn’t been on the show since 1981? Of course not (they had a No 1 in 1991 so they must have featured at least once) but I guess Mayo means in the actual TOTP studio rather than a promo video. However, according to the TOTP archive website, Mayo is still wrong as their last such appearance was in 1980 not 1981. 5/10 (points docked for inaccuracy)
It’s a new No 1 and a second UK chart topper of his career for Shaggy. Cards on the table, I’ve never liked anything this guy has done and “Boombastic” wasn’t anything like an exception. I hated all his ‘Mr Lover Lover’ / bump ‘n’ grind bullshit and we’d already seen the use of the made up word ‘Boombastic’ by Dream Warriors in “My Definition Of A Boombastic Jazz Style” years earlier. It all felt so uninspired and shoddy.
The success of Shaggy’s song was no doubt aided by its use in the latest Levi’s advert that was airing at the time. By reaching the pinnacle of the charts he followed in the footsteps of Ben E. King, Steve Miller Band, The Clash and Stiltskin all of who were Levi’s fuelled No 1 singles. The good news is that Shaggy only lasted one week at the top (hurray!); bad news is that he will be replaced by Simply Red (boo!).
Mayo’s Meter: “Now if you like your jeans loose and all baggy, there’s some new ones down the shops. And you know that bloke that promotes them, Shaggy…well guess what? He’s Top of the Pops”.
Verdict: Undeniably awful. Doesn’t scan at all and the rhymes are shoe horned in. Just shite – 1/10
The play out video is another plug for the returning TOTP2 series and is, for me, easily the best thing shown on this programme – Roxy Music with “Dance Away”. I’m not reviewing that though as it’s an outlier with the rest of the show. There is still time for one last chance for Rhymin’ Simon to impress me…
Mayo’s Meter: “Next week exclusives from Def Leppard and TLC and it’s fortunately presented by Steve Lamacq and Jo Whi-ley. Which is very good. Have a nice night, I think you might. Don’t fight, it’s not right.”
Verdict: Oh just f**k off Mayo!
Order of appearance | Artist | Title | Did I buy it? |
1 | The Outhere Brothers | La La La Hey Hey | As if |
2 | Umboza | Cry India | Didn’t happen |
3 | Janet Jackson | Runaway | Nah |
4 | Smokie featuring Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown | Living Next Door To Alice (Who The F**k Is Alice?) | Never! |
5 | Pulp | Mis-Shapes / Sorted For E’s & Wizz | No but I had their Different Class album |
6 | Mariah Carey | Fantasy | Nope |
7 | Erasure | Stay With Me | I did not |
8 | Iron Maiden | Man On The Edge | No |
9 | Shaggy | Boombastic | I did but only for a friend who liked it so they could use my shop discount. Honest! |
Disclaimer
I make no claim to the rights of this show and all ownership and contents including logos and graphics belongs totally to the BBC or copyright holder(s).
All opinions on the music and artists featured are my own. Sorry if you don’t agree
https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m001wkgj/top-of-the-pops-21091995?seriesId=unsliced