It’s four days before Christmas in 1995, a time of great excitement and anticipation yet the line up for this TOTP looks as flat as week old cola. The decision making process around this particular running order is as sound as Tory MP Chris Philp’s grasp of geography. For example, who thought that the show should build towards a headline act that most of us had never heard of. Sure there are some gigantic names in there but they’re all represented by a promo video. The actual acts in the studio are (mostly) not what you’d call box office. At least the presenters would have been considered as rising stars – Ronan and Stephen from Boyzone (who seemed to be on the show every week around this time).

We start with Corona who by anybody’s standards couldn’t have been seen as a massive deal well over a year after their biggest hit “Rhythm Of The Night” could they? Well, they had followed it up with two Top 10 singles during 1995 so maybe I’m being unfair to them? Nah, I don’t think so. I worked in a record shop selling those hits and I couldn’t have told you what they were called without looking them up even with a gun to my head. For the record, this one was called “I Don’t Wanna Be A Star” and would be their last UK Top 40 entry (if you discount a megamix single the following year which I do) peaking at No 22. Listening to it now, it has a very retro feel to it. Disco strings and even handclaps are in the mix giving it a sheen of 70s authenticity. It’s actually not too objectionable and no doubt would have gone down a storm at work Christmas parties across the country. Even so, it’s hardly a classic tune by a legendary name is it?

Next up we have *checks notes* Mary Kiani *double checks notes* yes, that’s right Mary Kiani who was *triple checks notes* the vocalist with dance act the Time Frequency (one Top 10 single) before going solo and achieving two Top 20 hits. OK, I’m laying it on thick but really TOTP?! Corona followed by Mary Kiani?! You’d feel shortchanged if you were in the studio audience for this one (unless you were a Boyzone fan I guess). “I Give It All To You” was not one of those two Top 20 hits as it peaked at No 35 (yes, despite this prime time exposure, the single tumbled down the charts the following week giving more clout to the argument of why was Mary on the show in the first place). As opposed to her first hit “When I Call Your Name” which was an M People-lite dance/pop track, this one is a big ballad complete with bagpipes no less. Sadly, if she thought she was coming across as the Scottish Celine Dion*, I’m afraid that this track screams Eurovision Sing Contest. The single was actually a double A-side with a song called “I Imagine” but reviewing two Mary Kiani songs is beyond me I’m afraid.

*Dion did go a bit Celtic on her mega hit “My Heart Will Go On” from the Titanic movie which featured a tin whistle. She couldn’t have been inspired by Mary Kiani could she?

In the back end of 1984, the Top 40 seemed to be overrun with Queen related hits. “Hammer To Fall” and “Thank God It’s Christmas” were split by Freddie Mercury solo single “Love Kills”. Fast forward eleven years and there was another plethora of product from the band. No 1 album “Made In Heaven” came out at the start of November preceded by the single “Heaven For Everyone”. And just as there had been a Christmas single in 1984, so there was in 1995 when “A Winter’s Tale” was released two weeks before the big day. Maybe it was the fast ride that was working in retail over the festive period but this one, like so many, passed me by. It’s very reflective and melancholy in nature as you would expect given that it was one of the last songs recorded by Freddie Mercury before his death but it kind of drifted over me when watching this TOTP repeat. Tellingly, it hasn’t replaced that 1984 single in Christmas compilation albums nor do you hear it played in the radio much every December. Maybe there just wasn’t room for two seasonal hits called “A Winter’s Tale” and given the choice, I’ll take David Essex every time.

Meanwhile, back in the studio, I’m not convinced that the audience would have been wowed or in awe by being in the presence of the next artist The Levellers. Not that they’re a terrible band – I don’t mind a bit of their brand of folk/Celtic/anarchy-punk/rock (how do you categorise them?) every now and again. It’s just that they didn’t exactly exude glamour and celebrity did they? In truth, I think those elements would be the last thing that The Levellers wanted to convey? They didn’t court the trappings of a pop star life like Spandau Ballet for instance. Look at the lyrics to this track “Just The One” for evidence of this claim. An observation on hedonism and why we like to go out and get wasted one way or another (though we know it’s not good for us) just because we can. Not really the sort of self knowledge and reflection you’d expect from a band gorging on fame. This was the third and final single taken from the band’s No 1 album “Zeitgeist” and would peak at No 12, the fourth of their last six single releases to do so. Now there’s a band living up to their name which meant ‘making something equal or similar’.

Now to another music legend but who’s not in the TOTP studio – here’s Madonna with “Oh Father”. Just like Queen before her, Madge’s video has a wintery feel to it and also just like Queen, the entry into the charts by this single meant she had two songs in the Top 40 simultaneously*

*Queen had “A Winter’s Tale” as a new entry and previous hit “Heaven For Everyone” in the lower reaches of the charts whilst Madonna had this one and “You’ll See” still in the Top 40.

Released to promote her “Something To Remember” ballads collection, “Oh Father” was actually not a new song but a track from her 1989 album “Like A Prayer”. In America, it had been the fourth single lifted from it and caused a commotion there for two reasons. Firstly, it halted Madonna’s run of Top 5 hits stretching back fifteen singles when it peaked at No 20. Secondly, the video (or more specifically the scene where the protagonist’s mother’s corpse is seen in her funeral casket with her lips sewn together) caused MTV to pull it from its schedules until the scene was removed. Madonna called their bluff and refused to stating she would cancel future deals with the station if they refused to show it. In the UK, “Oh Father” wasn’t released as a single in 1989 due to the controversy and instead the Christmassy “Dear Jessie” got to be the last Madonna single of the 80s over here. In the intervening six years, that standpoint had clearly softened though interestingly, the clip shown here doesn’t include the lips scene. As for the song, it was clearly written about Madonna’s troubled relationship with her father and it swoops and soars with some power though it’s all a little too melodramatic for me. It would peak at No 16 in the UK making it her joint lowest charting single over here during the 80s and 90s combined*.

* “Take A Bow” peaked at No 16 in 1994.

They’re not one of the legendary names on the show tonight but you still couldn’t escape The Beatles in December of 1995. Not only were they at No 3 in the chart with “Free As A Bird”, not only was there a version of “Come Together” in the Top 30 courtesy of The Smokin’ Mojo Filters (Pauls McCartney and Weller plus the Gallagher brothers) via the “Help!” charity album but there was also this – Jimmy Nail with a cover of John Lennon’s “Love”. Now this song is not to be confused with another Lennon composition “Real Love” (even though “Love” begins with the lines “Love is real, real is love”) which would become the second Beatles single from the “Anthology” project following “Free As A Bird”. No, this track dated back to 1970 and Lennon’s debut solo album on which it featured. I didn’t know it from then (only being two years old at the time) but I was aware of it from its 1982 release as a single to promote the “John Lennon Collection” album that went to No 1 selling nearly a million copies. The single itself missed the Top 40 peaking one place below it but I must have heard it on the radio at the time I guess. Thirteen years later and it would be reactivated by Jimmy Nail as the second single from his “Big River” album. The track’s solemn power quite suits Jimmy’s doleful vocals though its No 33 peak suggests that better release scheduling would have benefited its chart chances – I think it got swallowed up in the Christmas rush.

The gimmick about having his son on stage with him for this performance doesn’t really work for me. For a start, I really don’t believe he’s a child guitar prodigy – his hand barely moves along that guitar neck. I wonder if his son followed his Dad into show business?

*checks internet*

Well, that’s not very satisfactory. All I can find out about him is that his name’s Tommy. Maybe he went on to become a pinball wizard?

Despite not getting to No 1, I’m prepared to state that “Wonderwall” is one of Oasis’s most well known and enduring tunes. A go to song for buskers around the world, it can also divide opinion. Judging by some of the online opinions offered after featuring on these TOTP repeats, some people really can’t stand it. I have to say that it’s not one of my favourites of theirs and I was a bit of an Oasis fan. I bought a lot of their singles during this period yet somehow I didn’t feel the need to purchase this one. Maybe it suffered from over exposure even back then. After all, it was another of those hits that was on the chart at this time alongside Everything But The Girl, Boyzone and Björk – it spent 11 weeks yo-yoing around the Top 10. Truth be told, I don’t think it’s even the best song on the CD single – that would be track number four “The Masterplan”. Now if that had been chosen as the single, I probably would have bought it.

Say the words ‘Dog Eat Dog’ to anyone of my age (I’m 56 in a few weeks -56!) and I’m guessing they’ll immediately think of the Adam And The Ants hit. I’m pretty sure though that you could also say those words to anyone of any age and they wouldn’t automatically think of an American punk rap group of that name who had one hit single in this country called “No Fronts”. Who the hell were these guys and why were they on the show?! Here’s @TOTPFacts with the answer:

Hmm. Sounds a bit to me like a vanity project then. Look at this shiny, new act that I give to you. Anyway, Dog Eat Dog kind of remind me of EMF. For many of us, the first time we saw those cheeky little Epsom Mad Funkers was when they performed at the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party so there’s an obvious similarity there plus their sound wasn’t a million miles away from each other though Dog Eat Dog were a little more rap based? Having said that, the sax sample in the chorus of “No Fronts: The Remixes” (to quote its full title) sounds like it was lifted direct from Spandau Ballet. It’s actually very catchy (just as EMF’s “Unbelievable” was) but somehow I just don’t find it very authentic. I think it might be the fact that the band themselves don’t look convincing. The bass player resembles American stand up Emo Philips (famed for his lank hair and idiot savant delivery) whilst the lead singer has the most sensible looking haircut ever seen on someone in a band. In fact, he looks like that guy who plays Bumper, the leader of the Barden Treblemakers a cappella group from the Pitch Perfect films.

Dog Eat Dog managed to get to No 9 in the UK charts with this single, their only Top 40 hit in this country. Apparently, they’re still a going concern with their last album coming as recently as 2023 but the chances of a Dog Eat Dog revival over here are zero and I’m adamant about that.

Four days after this TOTP aired, “Earth Song” by Michael Jackson was named as the UK’s Christmas No 1. My inclination at the time was that it probably wouldn’t be as it had already been at the top of the charts for three weeks by that point so I thought it might run out of legs just before the finishing line allowing The Mike Flowers Pops to steal in at the final moment. I made a mistake. What would prove to be another mistake (if an enjoyable one) would be the decision to hold our Our Price Christmas do (Stockport branch) at a member of staff’s house on the evening of the 23rd December. The whole shop took an oath together that we would all turn up for work the next day (Christmas Eve) no matter what went down – no exceptions – and you know what, we all turned up. The state we turned up in was another matter. I arrived home at 5.00 am and woke up two hours later with my face in a bowl of cereals. Somehow I hauled my arse into work and was actually the first person there. As we all assembled, it was obvious that a few members of staff still smelt of booze so strongly that they had to be kept away from serving the public and so were assigned back room duties or cashing up. Somehow, the day finally came to an end and I wound my way home for the second time. On arriving in our flat, my wife had some friends from work round whom I astonished by eating seven bags of crisps on the spin (crazy nibbles). I have a memory of Michael Jackson being announced as Christmas No1 the next day and my wife saying “I’m not having that”, turning off the TV and playing “The Candy Man” by Sammy Davis Jr instead. Quite right too.

Disclaimer

I make no claim to the rights of this show and all ownership and contents including logos and graphics belongs totally to the BBC or copyright holder(s).

All opinions on the music and artists featured are my own. Sorry if you don’t agree.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m001y56w/top-of-the-pops-21121995?seriesId=unsliced