In the previous show, Jamie Theakston made a reference to Manchester United footballer Ryan Giggs in his intro to Catatonia as the Welsh international had scored an important equaliser for his club in the first leg of their Champions League semi-final versus Juventus. His goal scoring form continued into another huge game – the FA Cup semi-final replay against title rivals Arsenal two days before this TOTP aired. Whilst the goal itself was pretty special, it was his celebration of it that remains uppermost in the memory. Removing his shirt and twirling it around his head, the full extent of the hairiness of the Giggs chest was revealed. Many gagging reflexes were put into operation at the sight. I think it was the shock factor more than anything else. Fancy that lath-thin, whippet-like Ryan Giggs having a big, manly, hairy chest like that. I wonder if any of tonight’s acts had hairy chests or failing that a connection to hair (other than the obvious one on their heads)?

Our host is Jayne Middlemiss (pretty sure she didn’t have a hairy chest) and the first artist on tonight is Phats & Small with their dance anthem hit “Turn Around”. This was only just on the previous show so I’m struggling to find anything else to say about it. I’ve said about vocalist Ben Ofoedu being engaged to TV broadcaster Vanessa Feltz, I’ve referenced their amusingly named album “Now Phats What I Small Music”…what else is there? Oh, the track itself. Well, yeah there is that I suppose. Well, I can hear why it was a success. It was a very accessible tune which crossed over from the dance floor to daytime radio which presumably helped prolong its chart life which clocked in at seven consecutive weeks inside the Top 10. Its legacy includes being voted in at No 38 in MTV Dance’s 2011 list of ‘The 100 Biggest 90’s Dance Anthems of All Time’. That do?

Hairy connection: DHT (a byproduct of testosterone) causes body hair to grow and head hair to shrink sometimes leading to the paradox of hairy men being bald on their heads. Testosterone is sometimes nicknamed ‘phat’.

Meatloaf was still having hits in 1999?! I know the 90s had been a renaissance decade for him what with “Bat Out Of Hell II” being a humongous sales phenomenon but that had been back in 1993. What’s that? He also had a big seller with the follow up “Welcome To The Neighbourhood” two years later? Well, yes he did and yes it delivered him three hit singles including the No 2 hit “I’d Lie For You (And That’s The Truth)” but that was still years prior. By the end of the 90s, he (or his record company) had resorted to yet another Best Of album (the 13th of 20 according to his discography) which was released the previous November just in time for the Christmas sales rush. How convenient/cynical. Ah, so that’s where this song comes from. The practice of releasing a Greatest Hits album but trailing it with a new track was well established by this point and Meatloaf wasn’t going to buck the trend. “Is Nothing Sacred” had originally been recorded for the “Welcome To The Neighbourhood” album but hadn’t made the cut at the time. It was recycled though for “The Very Best Of Meatloaf” when it was re-recorded as a duet with his go to female singer Patti Russo. It was, in fact, not originally scheduled for that role though as there was another song on that Greatest Hits album that was earmarked for that job which was “A Kiss Is A Terrible Thing To Waste” which had been The Loaf’s contribution to the Jim Steinman penned Whistle Down The Wind soundtrack. Indeed, Meat had been rumoured to be locked in as the artist to record “No Matter What” but that particular golden egg landed up in Boyzone’s laps. Had it gone the other way, I wouldn’t have been asking the question I posed at the start of this paragraph.

As for “Is Nothing Sacred”, despite its place in that Greatest Hits album, it certainly wasn’t one of his very best, being a piss poor imitation of some of those classic hits. There would be a few more charting singles into the new millennium but Meatloaf’s death in 2022 aged 74 meant that 2016’s “Braver Than We Are” would be his last ever album and there would be no more and that’s the truth.

Hairy connection: Well, apart from the obvious long hair he sported in the “Bat Out Of Hell” era, Meatloaf also appeared in the musical Hair on and off Broadway.

It’s a repeat of that satellite performance by TLC of “No Scrubs” next. This was another of those remarkably hardy hits that enjoyed an extended chart life, spending two months inside the Top 10 eventually peaking at No 3. However, looking in more detail at its chart stats, there was a moment when things might have panned out differently. After debuting at No 7 it actually dropped to No 13 the following week and at that point you would have been forgiven for thinking that it would continue to spiral down the charts. Not so though as a third week reversal of fortunes saw it climb back into the Top 10 where it would remain for seven consecutive weeks. Even then, there were undulations within that period with the single moving to No 6 then dropping to No 9 before vaulting back to No 3 and spending two weeks at No 5. What was all that about? Well, it would be featured on TOTP twice more so maybe that exposure helped propel it up the charts? I’m not sure but what I do know is that I’m going to have to find something to write about it at least twice more in this blog for which my creativity might require some tender loving care.

Hairy connection: The follow up hit to “No Scrubs” was “Unpretty” which featured a lyric about hair extensions – “You can buy your hair if it won’t grow”.

In the three years since they’d last released an album, The Cranberries had found themselves rather usurped in the rock band fronted by a charismatic female lead singer with a strong, Celtic influenced accent stakes. Catatonia had ripped up the charts with hits like “Mulder And Scully” and “Road Rage” going Top 5, eclipsing the highest peaking singles of their Irish contemporaries who rather unbelievably and certainly unjustly would never have a Top 10 hit. Come 1999, after Dolores O’Riordan had given birth to her first child, The Cranberries were back with fourth album “Bury The Hatchet” preceded by lead single “Promises”. It was a strong, aggressive sounding comeback (though there was a lot of reliance on lyrics like “Oh-woah, oh, oh” and “Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo”) but the truth was that five years on from their commercial heyday, the band’s sales were in decline. “Bury The Hatchet” sold a tenth of the copies which debut “Everybody Else Is Doing It, Why Can’t We?” did. The album’s cover artwork probably didn’t help. Whilst the first three featured standard but effective poses of the band, their fourth went in an altogether more arty direction. It was designed by Storm Thorgerson who was school mates with most of Pink Floyd and would go on to design the iconic cover for their legendary “The Dark Side Of The Moon” album. However, “Bury The Hatchet” would not garner such an illustrious reputation. You could see glimpses of Thorgerson’s work on, for example, “Wish You Were Here” in the concept but a naked man being observed by a suspended giant eye against a desert background looked outlandish rather than creative.

A fifth album followed within two years but its perceived lack of promotion by their record label pushed the band to split from MCA and ushered in an eight year hiatus. Three more albums would arrive (one posthumously) but the death of O’Riordan in 2018 brought a permanent end to the band’s story.

Hairy connection: Consuming dried cranberries is associated with promoting hair growth due to their vitamin C and antioxidant content. 

Now I remember the name Glamma Kid but can I tell you anything about the artist behind that name? No I can’t. Not without the aid of the internet anyway.

*checks internet*

OK, well that’s not his real name obviously. That would be Iyael Lyases Tafari Constable…yeah, not as snappy as Glamma Kid is it? Anyway, he was/is a toaster – of the musical kind obviously not a relative of the artificially intelligent electric bread toaster variety that was a recurring character in Red Dwarf with an obsession with making small talk exclusively about toast. Of course not. Hailing from Hackney, he initially made a name for himself by appearing on Tim Westwood’s Radio 1 rap show in 1996. By the following year, he was being awarded a MOBO Award for Best Reggae Act and by 1999 he had two Top 10 hits. The first of those was “Taboo” which interpolated the 1985 Sade hit “The Sweetest Taboo” and was a duet (of sorts) with Shola Ama.

I was never the biggest fan of the original but what they’ve done to it with this treatment is nothing short of criminal and when I say they I mean Glamma Kid. What is he doing here? Bent down on his haunches, stalking the stage in an all white suit? I think he was going for a Mark Morrison vibe but he actually looks like Vic Reeves during one of his rubbing his thighs, over excited by a female guest episodes of Shooting Stars. Then there’s the noise that he’s making. It’s just horrible caterwauling! It’s even worse than Shaggy! Who could possibly want to listen to it more than once or am I missing something?! You know what, I don’t think I am.

Hairy connection: Glamma is presumably short for ‘glamour’ which conjures up images of luxuriously coiffured hair plus Glamma Kid featured on a 1998 remix of David Bowie’s “Fashion” which again has connections with hairstyles.

Yay! It’s the New Radicals again! This was the third time in the show for Gregg Alexander’s band and their hit “You Get What You Give” but you won’t find me moaning about repeat performances in the Chris Cowey era as I have done for month after month, post after post as I’m a complete hypocrite and I liked this one so the more the merrier for me!

However, it does leave me with the problem of what else I’m going to say about it. Well, this appears to be a live vocal performance as Gregg does seem to be straining somewhat with his singing in places. Actually, there also appear to be some technical issues as well with echoing vocals and a definite bit of feedback towards the end of the song. We just about have time for the infamous “Fashion shoots with Beck and Hanson, Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson” line but not for the word “ass” right at the death though I think the BBC censors might have blanked it out. Hard to tell.

Hairy connection: Although Gregg Alexander wore his trademark hat to cover his face to hide the fact that he was not enjoying promoting a hit record via the rules of the music industry, it also concealed the fact that he was bald that was only revealed in the video that accompanied the song.

Talk about creating a buzz about a forthcoming release! There was always going to be great deal of interest in the debut solo single by ex-Spice Girl Geri Halliwell but the promotion around “Look At Me” really went into overdrive. Look at this TOTP exclusive showing of its promo video a whole month before it was actually released! And that was just part of the marketing story. Halliwell embarked on a short promotional tour in support of the single visiting cities such as Rio de Janeiro, New York, Tokyo, Sydney and Milan. Remember, she only had the one song at this point that you could actually buy (even the extra tracks on the CD single were just remixes of “Look At Me”) yet she was straddling the globe to sell it! Was it all worth it? Yes and no. A No 2 hit is nothing to be sneered at but surely after all that promotion a chart topping debut would have been expected. In the end, Geri was beaten by Boyzone doing yet another cover version. That must have stung a bit.

So what about her actual song – was it any good? Well, I give Geri credit for not doing an obvious big ballad (I’m not sure she had the vocal chops for that anyway) or indeed, going the Boyzone route and releasing a cover version. However, “Look At Me” was accused of sounding very similar to another late 90s hit – “History Repeating” by Propellerheads featuring Shirley Bassey and you can hear why though I’m not sure I made that connection myself at the time. The structure of “Look At Me” does work with as opposed to against Geri’s rather limited vocals enabling her to sing in snatches or phrases rather than seamlessly not that there’s anything wrong with that but then what the hell was that middle eight breakdown?! Were the Spice Girls fanbase ready for that or was Geri looking for a new, more mature audience?

I guess I should comment on the video. First off, the fact that it’s nearly all shot in black and white was a bold move from someone who once sang “Colours of the world, Spice up your life”. Again, was that designed to show she was now a serious artist in search of a new type of fan? If that wasn’t a clue then the funeral scene killing of her ‘Ginger Spice’ persona couldn’t be see as anything but a desire to leave behind her former group. This was backed up by the caption at the start of the promo asking “Who is…Geri Halliwell?” suggesting that we perhaps had not seen the real version of her yet. The rest of the video has Halliwell playing around with female stereotypes which she nominated as vamp, bitch, virgin and sister. I’m not quite sure if she succeeded in her observations of said stereotypes nor indeed what those observations might have been.

Whatever you thought of her debut single, and on reflection my judgement would be ‘could’ve been worse’ or even “not without merit”, it paved the way for a run of four consecutive No 1 hits three of which came from her debut album “Schizophonic” and that could in no way be seen as a disappointing return.

Hairy connection: You mean apart from the whole ‘Ginger Spice’ persona being based on her red hair colour and apart from Geri referring to her look as “hair power” and apart from her hair being considered to have altered the course of 1990s beauty history, with fans often emulating her look? Nah, nothing really.

You’d have thought that as the new millennium dawned, we’d have gotten a bit bored with the whole soap star to pop star schtick but here was Tiffany from EastEnders to prove that we still had room for more. I think it’s fair to say that Martine McCuthcheon has moved on from that role not in the least part because of her much loved turn in Love Actually but back then she was Tiffany so big and well liked had her character become. Only a few short months prior, Tiffany Mitchell was written out of the soap when she was killed off on New Year’s Eve after being knocked down by a car driven by Frank Butcher (hence Jayne Middlemiss’s quip about her not being very good at road safety). Twenty-two million people watched that episode and a book about the character of Tiffany was a bestseller!

Given all of that, it’s perhaps no surprise that McCutcheon’s debut single went to No 1. What people did seem to be surprised about though was shown in their reaction to “Perfect Moment” which went along the lines of “It’s quite good innit”. I guess it was a similar response to that which another soap star’s debut single had received not so long before – “Torn” by Natalie Imbruglia. However, whereas the ex-Neighbours star had gone for a shimmering piece of pop perfection, Martine gave us the full, dramatic big ballad treatment. Just as Geri Halliwell surprised us with her almost jazz-pop first solo song, perhaps we might have expected a bit of pop fluff from Martine or a cover version like previous EastEnders star Sophie Lawrence had and Sid Owen would go on to do. Not a bit of it…or rather a little bit of it as “Perfect Moment” was a cover but I’m pretty sure most people were completely unaware of the original. Recorded in 1997 by Polish singer Edyta Górniak, that version was little known outside of Poland and so, again as with Natalie Imbruglia’s “Torn”, most of us thought it was, if not Martine’s song, then it had been written specifically for her. It starts off sounding a bit like “A Different Corner” by George Michael with a some serene strings being plucked before Martine delivers a perfectly adequate vocal. There’s no doubting that she could sing a bit but then she had been in little known, mid 90s girl group Milan who spent one week at No 82 with a single called “Lead Me On” – I did say they were little known! Anyway, “Perfect Moment” came over as quite a classy tune in the style of Barbra Streisand or at least Celine Dion and great things were predicted for Martine McCutcheon the pop star. A No 2 album duly followed and a pair of No 6 singles but by 2000, diminishing returns kicked in and her next two albums didn’t produce anywhere near the same numbers. Then came a return to acting and the role of Natalie in Love Actually though I have to say I can’t think of much else I e seen her in recently and Love Actually is now 23 years old.

*checks her filmography*

Martine’s most recent TV appearances have been as herself in shows like Loose Women, Celebrity Gogglebox and The Masked Singer in which she came 10th dressed as a swan. Probably not her perfect moment then.

Hairy connection: Martine has openly discussed her struggles with scalp sensitivity and dandruff endorsing Polytar medicinal shampoo to treat these issues and has become a scalp health advocate using her platform to discuss the impact of stress and health issues on her hair.

Disclaimer

I make no claim to the rights of this show and all ownership and contents including logos and graphics belongs totally to the BBC or copyright holder(s).

All opinions on the music and artists featured are my own. Sorry if you don’t agre

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m002rlpd/top-of-the-pops-16041999